my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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