OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize