So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
