tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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