'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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