You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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