someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
