Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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