"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
