The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
