okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
