So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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