My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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