I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
