oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
