nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
