I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
