Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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