someone get that fucking seahorse.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
