it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
