I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
