So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
