I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Two words: blizzard sex
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
