I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
