i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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