carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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