Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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