Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
is wine microwaveable?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
