All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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