So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
