just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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