census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
