Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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