Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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