My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
