Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
