A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
