I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
