Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
