you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You pole danced in your parka.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
