i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Someone signed my nipple.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
