I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
