Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
