Do you still have your period?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
