remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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