I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
