i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
