he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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