I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
