Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
