every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
