all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
