They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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