In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
