We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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