it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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