Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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