I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
