yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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