i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
