Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
