i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
