It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
