i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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